Cops and Chariots
by dancesthroughlife
Summary: When various crimes strike the enchanted castle, Prince Sexy Pants doesn't know where to turn. So he calls the only people he can think of, the gang from 21 Jump Street. Of course, only chaos can enuse. Barbie as Rapunzel 21 Jump Streetxover
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** We does not ownz these stuffs: _Hairdy Pottah_, _Barbie the Rapunzels_, or any of them lines that might possibly have comez fromz that _Anastasia_. Yah.

**A/N: **This is a collaboration between _SunshineandDaisys_ and _dancesthroughlife_ (aka, me and Alyssa!), and it is....well, it is definitely the work of our minds. You thought her old stuff, and my current stuff, was bad before! This is, and I warn you thoroughly, not for anyone sane.

It is a crossover between _Harry Potter_ (BRIEFLY), _21 Jump Street_ (the 80's TV show that put Johnny Depp in the spotlight), and _Barbie as Rapunzel_(....don't ask). On our respective profiles you will find links to pictures and information that will explain the shows, if you care to know that much (coming soon). Otherwise, enjoy this story for its... originality. Yeah. _Originality_.

* * *

**Cops and Chariots**

**By: dancesthroughlife & SunshineandDaisys**

**Prologue**

* * *

Gothel walked cheerfully, almost bouncing, toward the room. Otto was running behind her, hidden by a cloak of invisibility made especially for weasels. Her own cloak was draped carefully over her so as to disguise any movements. The long, dark corridor would've seemed forbidding on most nights, but on this night, it appeared more as a portal of moonlight to her beloved. As she snuck past the secret entrance to the Ravenclaw house, she smirked.

_'It won't be long, my love...,'_ she thought, quietly slipping through the now-familiar corridors.

As she tiptoed around the corner, she heard a heated conversation in _his _room.

"But what will we..."

"Someone is bound to see..."

Gothel rounded the corner, and her eyes widened.

"We can't keep it... I mean, what if..."

"_Especially_ if..."

The gasp that fell from Gothel's lips alerted both figures in the room to her presence. Her invisibility cloak slipped from her grasp and pooled on the floor, her mouth hanging slightly agape.

"Wha--what..."

Her "lover" looked terrified, "I...um...I can explain."

But explanations were useless at this point. Gothel's eyes practically popped out of her eye sockets. Otto chose this time to round the corner.

"That popped right out, Masta!" Otto screeched.

Gothel charged head-first at the two other people in the room, screaming "Nooooo!!!" only to suddenly stop short and fall in a dead faint on the floor.

"Masta!! Masta, what do I do now?"

"Did she faint? How should we wake her!?" one of the mysterious figure panicked.

Otto sighed. "Well, first I splash water on her face. Then...then I kick her..."

* * *

Gothel awoke the next morning in her own chambers. She slowly sat up, rubbing her head. She had no memory of changing into her nightwear, nor any of crawling into her own bed. All she remembered was...was that thing. She looked around her room, at the sunlight pouring in through the window, to the pink stuffed unicorn sitting on her bed. It was all a dream. A nightmare.

It had to be.

* * *

**A/N** *gasp!* What is _it_?

Never fear, it will pick up. People will get names, well they already have names. We know them. You don't. HA!! IN YOUR FACE!!! No, kidding. This is just the prologue; the next two chapters will make more sense. Promise. So, now go review, or Tinkerbell will haunt you in your sleep. Yes, Tinkerbell.


	2. Cracker Jack

**Disclaimer**: NOPE!

**A/N**: Well, if you made it past the Prologue, I give you major props. This is where our story really begins, and some of that prologue gets explained. Sort of. So, you know, grab the snacks kiddies and get ready for... something.

* * *

**Cops and Chariots**

By: dancesthroughlife & SunshineandDaisys

**Cracker Jack**

* * *

"Stop! You fiends!!" Prince Stefan (aka Sexy Pants), yelled as he ran down the palace steps. But alas, he was too late. The beautiful golden chariot his wife used for her errands into town went racing into the night in the hands of thieves.

Sexy Pants sighed. This was getting a little out of hand. First it had been the chariots of the minor noblemen, which had only been slightly problematic. But then the chariot thieves had moved up to his own personal collection. The fact that they could, even under the strict watch of his night guards, get away with one of his chariots....

"Fernando?"

"Yes, Sex---err, Prince Stefan?" The stable hand stammered out.

Prince Stefan quirked an eyebrow. "Uhm, yes, well I was wondering if you managed to see anything tonight? Any of their faces, perhaps?"

Fernando shook his head solemnly. "No, sir. To be quite honest wit ya, we uh, we stable hands? We ain't 'zactly up to this task, ya know?"

The prince sighed again, this time raking a hand through his shiny, golden locks. "I was afraid of that. Thank-you Fernando, I bid thee goodnight." And with that, the prince walked back inside the palace, worrying. When he reached the top of the stairs his wife, Rapunzel met him there.

"Honey? Is anything the matter?"

He smiled. "No, nothing for you to worry about."

"Alright. Lets go back to bed."

As they walked down the hall, Stefan gazed out the window. It was time to take some action.

* * *

When Sexy Pants woke up the next morning, the sun was pouring in through his window. It was another beautiful and perfect day. He smiled as he kissed his very pregnant wife on the cheek.

"Good morning, Rapunzel."

"Good morn..." and then morning sickness befell his beloved bride as she rushed out of the room. His brow creased in worry for her, hoping she would be alright.

And then he remembered last night. Another chariot was stolen.

Sexy Pants leaped out of his bed exclaiming, "Something must be done!" and rushed to the parlor. Picking up the phone, he dialed for the opererator.

"Thank you for calling the 80's! How may I assist you today?" a bright voice answered.

"Yes, this is Prince Stefan, and I have an emergency. I need the Ghostbusters immediately!"

"I'm sorry sir, but the Ghostbusters went out of business a few years ago."

"Oh, well what's the next best thing?"

"That would have to be 21 Jump Street, sir. They are a very skilled crew. And that Officer Hanson, he is ever the catch!"

"Well, okay. I'll call 21 Jump Street."

"Connecting your call."

* * *

_Later at 21 Jump Street_

"Hoffs! Hanson!" called Captain Jenko as he walked into the room. "I have a new assignment for you!"

Penhall, Hanson, and Hoffs were sitting at the usual table. Hoffs with her headphones on, and the boys playing "Old Maid". The boys looked up as Jenko straddled a chair adjacent to them. Hoffs was completely oblivious, her headphones blasting out what was clearly a pop anthem of the boy-band variety.

"Hey, get her attention, will ya?" Jenko pointed at the female cop.

Penhall kicked Hoffs under the table. "You listenin' to _that_ band again?"

Hanson turned to Penhall. "What band?"

"Oh, its nothing." Hoffs said quickly, pulling off her headphones and lying them on the table. "And who says I wanna play footsies with you, Penhall? You better not kick me like that again!"

"Oh, I know who you wanna play footises with..." Penhall trailed off suggestively.

"Alriiight," Jenko coughed, throwing a case file in the middle of the three. "Back to business. We have a lot to cover in a short amount of time, so pay attention. This is... well, it's slightly...different...from your usual cases."

"Last time you said that, I ended up in the hospital with 23 stitches, a broken arm, and a fractured ankle," complained Hoffs.

Penhall snorted, "Yeah, but you have to admit that it was funny."

Hoffs reached out and slapped Penhall as Hanson asked exactly how different this case was.

"Well, you're going to a magical land with dragons, princes and princesses, and stolen chariots. You will go undercover as stable hands and find who the thief is."

"Princes and princesses?"

"Stolen chariots?"

"Yes, Prince Sex...erm Prince Stefan claims that chariots are being stolen in the middle of the night. First it was cheap, useless chariots. Now the bandit, possibly more than one, has moved up to the royal family's collection. It's causing him grief because his wife caught the preggers so he is worrying about her safety, and also because a monarch who's useless to stop petty chariot thieves isn't very popular with the commoners," explained Jenko as he sipped his coffee.

"Right, and when do you propose we leave? An even better question, how do you propose we get there?" wondered Hanson.

Captain Jenko said, " You will be traveling by car, and according to the guy that I bought it from, 'it really flys'. Oh, and you guys are leaving now."

"But we haven't packed!" cried Hoffs.

"Nothing you have will be suitable. They will provide you with your attire," Jenko smirked.

"Fine," a frustrated Hoffs sighed, "I guess I won't be lookin' sharp."

Hanson giggled. "'Bye Jenko! 'Bye Penhall! Wait, where's Ioki?"

"Oh, he had a little mix up earlier with the baby laxatives," Penhall laughed.

"Again?!" Hoffs exclaimed.

"Yep! Third time this month."

At this, Hanson and Hoffs were off, yelling over their shoulders, "'Bye Ioki! Hope everything comes out okay!"

* * *

"This is it? _This_ is the car that flys?" whined Hoffs. The two cops were standing outside of 21 Jump Street, a rusty looking car with a bumper sticker that read "Honk if you've been engaged to Johnny Depp!" on the back. "And who in the world is Johnny Depp?"

"I dunno." answered Hanson staring dubiously at the vehicle in front of them. "Well, guess we should just make the most of it!"

Hanson and Hoffs climbed into the hideous, outdated car. Hoffs began to look around the filthy interior, getting more and more disgusted as Hanson put the key into the ignition and started the car. Ever so slowly, Hanson eased his foot onto the gas pedal, and ever so slowly the car crept forward. The car began to go faster, and faster, and soon enough it was levitating a few feet in the air. Hanson and Hoffs glanced at one another, wide-eyed, before reaching out and latching onto each other.

The boys inside 21 Jump Street could hear their girly screams for a brief instant before they flashed out of sight.

* * *

The car was flying smoothly through the clouds, and the two cops were starting to relax.

"Well," Hanson began. "This isn't so bad."

Hoffs was staring blankly ahead. "Mmm." She said without feeling.

Hanson turned to her. "You okay?"

"Uh-uh."

He sighed, reaching out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder when a shiny, silver BMW flew beside them. Hoffs jumped in horror, closing the distance between them then, latching onto Hanson's arm in a vice grip. The other vehicle proceeded to fly in front of them, cutting them off.

"Hey! What was that?!" Hanson yelled, banging the horn with his free hand.

The driver's side door of the silver car popped open, and a rather offensive hand gesture was revealed.

"Hey, did they just--" The car started to sputter as Hanson and Hoffs eased up their grip on each other. Then, within the blink of an eye, the car started to drop. It picked up speed as it got closer, and closer to the ground. The undercover officers feared that this would be their last mission. They closed their eyes and began screaming again.

"Hanson! Before we die, I have something I need to tell you!" screeched Hoffs.

Suddenly, with a bang, the car landed on something large. The baffled pair looked all around to see where they were. They still seemed to be in the sky, which was impossible as the car quit working several minutes ago. The couple looked down only to see a dragon holding them up. Another round of screaming ensued.

"Hoffs, I don't think we're in 1987 anymore!"

The dragon sighed and rolled his eyes. As if he hadn't heard _that_ one before. He continued on his way however, towards the pretty pink castle, and slowly lowered them all to the ground.

Hanson and Hoffs stumbled out of the car wearing bewildered expressions.

"His majesty awaits you," the dragon informed the cops.

"You're a dragon."

"And you talk."

By this time, the poor old dragon was getting extremely exasperated and added, quite sarcastically, "Oh, thank you for informing me of this new development. I've been so confused!"

"Ahh, thank you, Hugo," said a charming young man who was walking out of the castle. He extended his hand towards Hanson as he reached the bottom of the stairs. "Hello, I'm Prince Stefan. You must be the help from 21 Jump Street."

"Yes indeedy. I'm Officer Hanson, and this is my partner, Officer Hoffs." Hanson gestured to his partner.

"It's so nice to meet you, your Highness," said Hoffs as she curtsied.

The royal laughed. "No, no, none of that. Just call me Prince Stefan."

"Ok, Prince Stefan," Hanson began. "What exactly happened that made you decide you needed our help?"

"Well, actually, I was trying to call Ghostbusters," he admitted. "But they apparently went out of business of few years ago."

"I hate those guys."

"The opererator told me you were the next best thing," he continued. "So I hired you. The problem I've been having is that my chariots are being stolen..." Prince Stefan gave them a description of everything he had seen and heard as Hoffs and Hanson took notes.

"And, I guess that's it," finished the prince, snapping his fingers for a servant. "Oh, yes, and here are your clothes." The servant handed each cop a bundle of brownish clothing. "You will be working as stable hands! Your boss said it was nothing new for you."

Hanson and Hoffs exchanged dry glances before taking their new attire, and heading off to work.

* * *

For her own protection and safe keeping, Prince Stefan sent his wife to stay at his father's castle.

"Now Rapunzel, you know this is for your own good. Ohh... oh please don't cry!"

"But I'm pregnant - all I do is cry!"

"Me too!"

The two embraced, teary-eyed. And then the princess was off in a carriage protected by the Somewhat Secret Service.

* * *

It had been several days since Rapunzel's arrival at her father-in-law's castle. King Fredrick and his wife, Queen Shaniqua, were very kind hosts who did everything to make her feel welcome. But without all of her usual daily activities, and the absence of her beloved Sexy Pants, Rapunzel was feeling quite bored and lonely.

This is how she found herself wandering through the castle's rather extensive library. There were many books. Titles like '_The Princess and the Grapefruit_' and '_Beauty and the Sasquatch_'. But it was the incongruous pink, feathery book that stuck out from a bookcase on the third story that caught her eye. Upon pulling it from the shelf, rainbow colored glitter began to fall off the cover.

"Oooooh, shiny..."

Rapunzel took the oversized, sparkly book to a nearby window seat and began to explore its contents. The first page said, in giant patchwork letters:

TO: WILHELM  
FROM: GOTHEL  
BFFS 4EVA!

The princess' eyes widened as she turned the following construction paper pages. There were many, surprisingly still vibrant, pictures of her father, King Wilhelm, and Gothel throwing pillows at each other. In fact.... the pictures were.... moving?!

Rapunzel looked around, making sure no one was around to think she was clinically insane. She began to get incredibly frightened, to say the least, as she turned another page. There were more pictures, horrible pictures, pictures of Gothel.... in a cheerleading uniform. Pictures of King Fredrick and her father sitting at a candlelit table, pictures of the two future kings and Gothel sitting on a couch, curled up in matching footie pajamas, watching what appeared to be '_Brunch at Zales_'. Otto was snuggled around Gothel's neck, sleeping.

Rapunzel continued flipping through the scrapbook for another hour, eyes wide, before she decided she had seen enough.

_I should send this to Sex...er..Stefan. He MUST know about this,_ thought Rapunzel. So off she went to the pony express to mail her beloved the incriminating book.

When she arrived back at the castle, she decided she should question her father-in-law about the book, without revealing she had found it. She conspired to go to his office and ask how he and her father had met.

"King Fredrick?" Rapunzel called as she tapped on the door to his office, "May I come in?"

"Of course, Rapunzel. You don't have to ask. You are my daughter now, after all," added the king with a grin as the young princess entered the room.

"Well, yes. Anyway, I came because I've been curious about something."

"Yes?" Fredrick laced his fingers together and rested his chin upon them.

"Well," Rapunzel began, picking at a thread in her gown. "I was wondering how you and my father met. Could you tell me?"

"Certainly! We met back in our youth while we were attending school. We went to Hogwarts, which is a school for the magic folk. I was in the Hufflepuff house, and he was in Ravenclaw. We became friends instantly when our houses came together in potions class."

Rapunzel blinked. But the king was oblivious to her facial expressions as he became immersed in his nostalgia, gesturing widely as he spoke.

"It was considered inappropriate for cross-house friendships, especially a relationship as...strong...as ours. We didn't mind, however. We continued to spend time together, and our friendship blossomed beautifully." At this, King Fredrick paused, as if remembering some life-changing experience, before continuing, "Is there anything else you would like to know?"

Rapunzel by now was completely petrified, "Umm...yes. Why exactly do you have a pink feather boa on the mantle?" she asked timidly.

"...I was in a play once?"

"And the purple ballerina outfit in the corner?

"Erm...It's...it's Shaniqua's..."

"...Right. Well, it's about time for my nap, so I'll be going." Rapunzel and King Fredrick exchanged one more awkward glance before she slipped from the room.

* * *

Stefan was walking back to his castle with the package he had just received. The courier had been in a fit of laughter when he'd delivered it, but this particular item had not been particularly amusing to the prince. The frilly scrapbook in his hands was disturbing, but the fact that it was found at his father's castle when it really belonged to Rapunzel's father was even worse.

As he continued flipping through it, he happened to pass the stables, where Hanson and Hoffs were currently arguing, and using pitchforks for weapons. Suddenly, Hoffs leaped for Hanson, pitchfork first. They fell into a huge haystack. Stefan couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Having a roll in the hay, are we?" he giggled.

Upon hearing Stefan's question, the two leaped out of the hay, tossing the pitchforks to the side.

"We were just having a slight disagreement," answered Hoffs.

Hanson snorted, "And I wouldn't be the one making fun of us. You're the one carrying a pink feathery book around."

"It happens to be from my wife, she found it at my fathers. She sent it to me out of concern considering it's addressed to her father, and has pictures of both our fathers. Rather terrifying photos of them actually."

"What do you mean by 'terrifying'?" asked Hanson

"Well...there are pictures of them eating dinner. By candlelight. They are having pillow fights, AND they are watching girly movies."

Hoffs walked over to Stefan, abandoning Hanson in the hay. "Can I see?" She asked with a smile.

Stefan blinked. "Oh, uh, yeah. I guess." He opened the scrapbook as Hoffs leaned over his shoulder.

Hanson stood in the hay pile, glaring.

"Ohh, this one's cute!" Hoffs exclaimed, pointing to the '_Brunch at Zales_' picture.

"Yeah...." Stefan said slowly, grimacing. "But why do they have matching footie pajamas?"

Hoffs shrugged. "Cute kitty!"

Stefan snorted, indicating Otto curled around Gothel's neck. "_That_?!"

"Yeah?"

"That's Otto, and I can assure you, he is no lovable feline. He's actually a weasel; a conniving, disgusting, gay weasel."

"Oh." Hoffs said, crossing her arms and stepping back as Stefan closed the scrapbook. "What a strange pet to have."

"Indeed," Stefan sighed, looking up at his castle. "Well, I suppose its back to work."

"Same for.... us....?" Hoffs looked to the hay pile where she had last left Hanson, only to find he was nowhere in sight. "Hanson? Hansoooonnnn? TOM HANSON, WHERE ARE YOU?! HAVE YOU LEFT ME STRANDED IN THIS MISGUIDED FAIRYTALE---"

Hanson tapped her on the shoulder, eliciting a scream of epic proportions. "I was just putting up the pitchforks."

"Oh," she managed to say, eyes wide, one hand on her knee as she leaned over, trying to recover her breathing. "That's, uhm, that's nice."

Stefan hid a smile and began trekking back up to his lovely, pink home.

* * *

Hanson and Hoffs first day came to a close as night slowly began to fall over them. They had the much sought after position of being the night watchmen. With Julian, the break-dancing, ancient stable hand.

"Break it down now ya'll!!" screeched Julian as he attempted to do the bunny hop. By himself.

"How 'bout we don't...and do something even more exciting! Like you answering our questions!!" suggested Hanson.

"Fool, you be crampin' my style. But, yo, whateva dawg, ask yer questions."

"Have you ever noticed anything suspicious when you were working the night shift?"

"Man, shoot, you ain't got no idea. First, thar were these crazy hooligans that ran around screaming something about a child's card game. Then one night a old feller walked in carrying a paper mumbling something about checking the obituaries to see if he had died yet. Then people be talkin' trash 'bout my baby mama, she be named Britney, and I's gots in a fight with them peeps and then some foo' screamed 'Leave Britney alone! ' Oh and this ugly fella came lookin' in the windows the other night. Believe you me! He were U-G-L-Y! And he had a nasty rat with him..."

Julian wandered off as he spoke, seeming to forget where he was. When he reached the pasture, Hanson turned to Hoffs and said, "Well, maybe we should go after him?"

Hoffs sighed. "No wonder everybody hates this shift..."

* * *

The next day, Fernando came into the cop's sleeping quarters. He noted that Hanson was holding a stuffed kangaroo, and that Hoffs was wearing a t-shirt that said "I HEART TAYLOR!" He paused for a moment, blinking, before shrugging it off and banging them on their heads with a shovel.

"Hey guys! Wake up! We have sum 'da village people here, they says they was robbed last night!

Hoffs rose with a wince, glancing at Hanson, who had for all appearances been knocked unconscious.

"Did you have to hit us so hard?" She sighed, rubbing her head.

Fernando shrugged again. "Guess I dunno my own strength!"

As Hoffs prepared for the day, and tried to wake Hanson, Fernando wandered to the back of the store to see the owner wandering around the premises. He approached her with a greeting.

"Hey gurl hey!"

The owner, a tall blonde named Kelsey, rolled her eyes and kept walking. Fernando changed his approach and waited for her to pass. As soon as she got close enough, Fernando stuck out his right foot to trip Kelsey. It worked as she tumbled towards the ground, Fernando reached out and grabbed her by the waist, catching her just in time and twisting her to kiss her.

"You son-of-a-plumber!! What makes you think I want to kiss you?!?!"

"Who said I kissed you mizz? You just fell and I catched you with my lips," Fernando offered a weak explanation.

"I fell because you tripped me!" an angered Kelsey yelled.

"What cans I say? I'm trying to get you to fall for me."

Kelsey groaned and walked away. This time Fernando didn't pursue her. He simply turned around and went back inside to find the detectives.

When the three finally made it outside, there was indeed a group of unhappy villagers waiting for them. Hoffs and Hanson had changed back into their stable hand garb, and at Hoffs request, Fernando had ditched the shovel.

"Are these your investigators?" A rather pretty man asked. "Because they look like--"

"We are not rookies!" Hanson yelled, offended.

The man blinked. "I was going to say you looked like you were from Wilhelm's kingdom."

"Oh. Well.... never mind, then."

"Remember the feud between the kingdoms is over, my friend, Duke of Devlin," Stefan came waltzing up, his golden hair shimmering in the sunlight.

"Ah, Prince Sex...erm, my Lord, what do you use in your hair? I absolutely must know!"

Stefan giggled. "It's a secret, I'm afraid."

"Soooooo," Hoffs interjected, "Why the big party this morning?"

"We were robbed last night!" A large woman exclaimed. "By an ugly man!"

"Yes," another villager agreed. "He was quite hideous. If our dear Prince ever had a direct opposite, it would be him!"

"Don't forget that nasty rat!"

The crowd collectively shuddered.

"Wasn't Julian mumbling something about an ugly guy with a rat?" Hanson leaned down and whispered in Hoffs ear.

"Uhh-uhh yeah, he did, huh?" Hoffs stuttered. "Do you think it's the same pair?"

"Maybe..."

"Come to think of it," the Duke of Devlin stroked his chin as he pondered. "This ugly man and his rat were riding in a rather fancy chariot. It resembled one I've seen here, actually."

Stefan sighed. "It very likely was. As you all must know, I have also been attacked by this thief."

"But we's never see'd any of them's faces," Fernando began. "I dinnit know they was ugly."

Hoffs had folded her arms, deep in thought. Suddenly an thought came to her. "If you were all burglarized last night.... where are your shops located?"

"Well, my estate is right off of the main street," the Duke explained. "And all of their stores are located along the left side of it."

"All on the left, eh?" Hoffs hit her fist into her opposite palm. "I've got an idea! Hanson and I will stakeout a store on the right side of the street. It may be too obvious, but if our thief is bold enough to strike so many stores in one night on the same street, he might be bold enough to try it again on the right side!"

"Oh my," one woman said haughtily. "Should an unmarried woman and a man be alone together all night in one of our stores?"

Hanson and Hoffs blushed brilliantly.

"Oh, my Lady Janine, I assure you nothing unsavory will occur!" Stefan laughed. "These two are the best professionals from the 80's that gold schillings can buy!"

The cops continued to look at anything but each other. Hanson grunted in what everyone assumed was agreement.

* * *

_The night sky was as black as coal. The stars in the heavens sparkled as diamonds. The full moon was like a beacon. A beacon of love, telling the young man where his heart truly lay. He ever so slowly reached out to the girl sitting next to him, bringing his hand up to caress her cheek, and…_

"What are you writing?" Hanson asked leaning over Hoffs shoulder.

"Nothing!" she gasped as she snapped her notebook shut. "Nothing at all. Anyways, you shouldn't be snooping on me. We're here to work a case."

"Right," was all that he replied.

Silence followed. Neither really knowing what to say to each other.

"So..." Hanson started.

"So..." Hobbs replied.

More silence.

"I like your hat. Is it new?"

"Nope, I've had it for a few years now."

Silence again.

"Nice shoes."

"Thanks."

Now you could hear the crickets chirping.

"Hey, Hoffs, I have something I need to tell you. It's rather important," stated Hanson. He turned to face her, and slowly inched in. Their faces slowing getting closer and closer together. Hoffs heart flew, she had been waiting for this moment for months. Closer, and closer. Now they were only a hair widths apart.

**_CCCRRRRAAAAAAASSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!!!_**

The two flew apart as Hanson shrieked in terror. Hobbs hand quickly flew over his mouth before the culprit could hear them. They gazed down at the scene below. A dark figure jumped out of the oddly shaped chariot that had just crashed through the wall and ran towards the row of fine bonnets. It quickly snatched a few and was skipping disturbingly towards his mode of transportation, when suddenly a small shadow jumped from the top of the chariot.

"No more....nu-uh!" exclaimed the smaller figure, something that looked an awful lot like a rat. "I am no longer being a lookout on top of the chariot. A cricket flew in my eye on the way over here!"

"We mustn't be caught!" the larger figure replied. "You must keep looking, or we'll both be thrown in the dungeon!"

Hoffs whispered, "Well if that small shadow is the rat…. Although, it looks like a weasel… the towns people were talking about, that must be the ugly man!"

Suddenly moonlight cascaded through the gaping hole in the wall. Hanson and Hoffs both gasped at what they saw. There was no mistake at what they saw there upon his head...A MANE OF GOLDEN BLONDE HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

* * *

**End A/N**: Ahh, yes, the inimitable cliffhanger ending of DOOOOM!!!! Bwahahaha! Now you will be up until the wee hours of the morning, tossing and turning, waiting for our next installment!

Or probably not.

If you would kindly drop us a few lines in that nifty little review-thing, we'd be pretty ecstatic. We'd probably wet ourselves. Probably.


	3. I Do Cherish You

**A/N:***legasp* The second chapter is here! Finally you will know the secret! Who is this mysterious man who has been burglarizing the village? And what's with his golden mane of hair!?...I bet you've already figured it out, haven't you? It's not exactly hard. And we're making this authors note long just to draw out your anticipation for this chapter. Oh, and if you made it this far in the story (and the authors note for that matter) congratulations. Here's a virtual, freshly baked, chocolate chip cookie.

**Disclaimer:** As much as we wished we owned Johnny Depp, we don't…oh wait! We do! We each own a cardboard cutout! Cause we're cool…yeah. We do not own _21 Jump Street_. We do not own _Harry Potter_. We do not own _Barbie as Rapunzel_. Which mean life is pretty sad for us.

* * *

**Cops and Chariots**

**By: dancesthroughlife & SunshineandDaisys**

**I Do (Cherish You)**

* * *

Twas the night before Tuesday, and all through the castle, not a creature was stirring. Except for some cops.

They were running up stairwells, two steps at a time, out of breath and horrified. Blonde hair in their thoughts.

Prince Stefan had been sleeping, curled up in his bed, as visions of Rapunzel danced through his head. When what to his princely ears should arrive? BAM!

"Prince Stefan!" Hanson kicked down the door. Hoffs was right behind him. "Prince Stefan, wake up!!"

"Oh, blerg!" Sexy Pants sat up in bed so quickly he might've gotten whiplash. "What in the name of Zorc are you doing in here?!" He glanced at the sundial. "It's three AM!"

"We need to see the scrapbook Gothel made!" Hoffs said breathlessly.

There was a beat of silence.

"And you need to see it right now?"

Another beat.

"Well…. Yes and no?"

All of the sudden, the prince ripped off his shirt in frustration, screaming all the while. "I'M ANGRY!"

"Ooh," Hoffs sighed. "I think he works out."

"I wonder how he finds the time, between all his hair washings and pedicures…" Hanson muttered.

"What was that, peasant? Oh. No. I. Didn't."

A chorus of servants appeared in the room. "Oh yes he diii~iiid!"

"Uhm, okay," Hoffs cleared her throat. "Sorry for waking you up like this, but Hanson and I have just come back from our stake-out and we saw… well, we _think_ we saw Otto."

The Prince instantly turned from angry to curious. "But that would be impossible…" He tossed the sheets off and walked over to his dresser, where the frilly pink scrapbook lay. The two cops came up on either side as he flipped through the pages, finally settling on the picture of Otto frolicking through a field with Gothel and the two kings.

"Yeah," Hanson began. "That's definitely what we saw. He was arguing with the ugly guy, who looked a bit like you, actually…"

Sexy Pants opened his mouth to reply, but Hoffs deftly cut him off.

"But why would Otto be involved in the chariot thefts?"

"He wouldn't," Stefan shook his head. "He _couldn't_, he's chilaxin' in the tower with Gothel.

"Did you just say '_chilaxin'_'?"

Stefan paused. "No. Why would I?"

Hansen giggled, "Rrrriiiight…"

"Anyway, as I was saying. Otto is in the tower with his owner, Gothel. She locked herself in said tower by accident after one of her curses went awry. Otto, being as faithful as a yellow lab puppy, stayed there with her."

"Well, we can't discount what we've seen with our own eyes, I'm afraid," Hoffs put a hand on Stefan's shoulder. "I think it would be best if Hanson and I questioned Gothel and Otto tomorrow…er, later today."

"Well… if you think that's best."

"_We_ do." Hanson 'accidentally' shoved Hoffs hand from the Prince's shoulder. "Oh, dear. My hand slipped."

The female cop, remaining oblivious, just shrugged. "Say, is that a picture of your dad and your father-in-law in Potions and Lotions?"

"How do you know that's Potions and Lotions?"

"The caption above the picture; 'Fredrick and Wilhelm at Potions and Lotions!'"

"Why are they always together?" Pondered the prince.

"Maybe they were gay lovers?" Hanson smirked.

"Rrright." Stefan directed a glare at the cop.

* * *

Hanson and Hoffs made their way up to the tall tower that housed the rodent in question. They decided the best way to go about figuring out the details of last night would be to question the owner. So they proceeded to the door and knocked.

"Avon calling!" called out Hanson.

"Really? Is that really necessary?"

"It's funny. You know it is!"

Hoffs rolled her eyes and mumbled, "Idiot."

Then they heard a distant voice come from inside the house. "Go away. No one's home."

"Drats. We must have just missed her. We should try again later." Hanson sighed, as he turned to walk away.

"Stupid! She's in there, she just doesn't want to talk to us. A sure sign she's hiding something." Hoffs strolled back a few feet before taking a ninja pose. Suddenly she rushed at the door screaming all the while, and crashed into it feet first, splintering the door down the center. It creaked as it fell slowly to the floor.

"What's with us and knocking down doors?" wondered Hanson.

"I dunno, guess it adds pizzazz," answered Hoffs as she waltzed into the darkened tower, followed by Hanson, who was walking a little strange. "Hanson, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. Brazilian bikini waxes are for women only!"

"HOFFS! I told you to keep that on the down low!"

"I didn't tell anyone! Is there anyone else here!?"

A shadowy figure approached at this instance, "I'm here."

Both cops paused and stared. "Who are you? And why are you here?"

"Uhhh...I was just leaving?" So the shadowy figure turned on his heel, his cape blowing in the wind, and left.

The couple watched as the mysterious man walked out, before continuing on as if nothing had happened. "Gothel! Hello? Where you at?"

Suddenly a candle flickered on, illuminating a face so terrifying that it would make a grown man wet his pants.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! HOLD ME HOFFS!" cried Hanson as he jumped into her arms. Hoffs rolled her eyes and dropped Hanson back to the ground.

"Are you Gothel?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

"Okay, I'll take that as a 'yes'. Do you know where Otto was between the times of eleven p.m. and two a.m. last night?"

"Maybe, but why should I tell you?"

"Well maybe you should stop answering in questions!"

"What if I don't?"

Hoffs glared, "FINE! Continue answering in questions! That's awesome! I would love that!" she calmed down, "Where's Otto currently?"

"He's in the kitchen, whipping up a glass of Ovaltine."

"Ha!! Finally a straight answer!" Hoffs declared as she grabbed Hanson and dashed out of the room, leaving a confused and angry Gothel behind.

* * *

Otto was banging around in the kitchen looking for all of the necessary items to make the Ovaltine. He was muttering to himself, asking himself why he stayed at this current occupation, and even more so why he had to wear this stinkin' French maid outfit. He continued gathering his supplies as Hanson and Hoffs entered. Hanson cleared his throat to make their presence known, breaking Otto from his trance.

"What?!" spat the weasel.

"Are you the one they call," Hanson paused to check his notes, "Otto?"

"Yeah. What's it to you?"

"Well we have a few questions to ask you."

"I ain't answerin' any of your questions."

Hanson tried to reason with him, "You have to, we're cops!"

"What? Are you going to throw me in jail? Can't be any worse than this."

Hoffs, knowing they wouldn't get any answers today if this kept up, reached forward, grabbed Otto's tail and hung him in midair. The weasel let out a squeak before whimpering, "Fine, fine. I'll answer your questions."

"What were you doing last night?"

"Well...interesting story..." giggled Otto nervously.

"I think we would like to hear it."

"I was at Window-Mart?"

"No, you weren't," corrected Hanson.

"No, I wasn't"

"Where were you?"

"Committing crimes?"

"With who, and a description of looks would be nice."

Otto sighed and began his tale.

* * *

Sexy Pants was in his bathroom, primping himself for the day, when suddenly he was yanked out the window by an ugly man.

"Wh...wha?" stammered Stefan.

"Shut up and follow me!" The man commanded as he drug Stefan behind him.

Stefan giggled, "Those are some ugly pants you're wearing. Unlike mine, which everybody seems to think are quite sexy. Wait, where are we going?" before he was thrown into one of his precious chariots that had recently been stolen.

* * *

"...and we've been working as partners for six months. He promised me he would get me out of here." Otto gestured around the kitchen as he finished his story.

"And you're positive they're related?"

"Not positive, but I'm pretty sure..."

"What about his parents? Are you sure on that part?"

"I'm positive."

Hanson and Hoffs looked at each other in shock and terror. They believed they had just solved the case.

* * *

The detectives form the eighties found themselves running up a familiar flight of stairs for the second time in twenty-four hours. Only this time, when they reached their destination, the chambers were empty.

"Maybe he's getting another pedicure? Ow! What was that for?"

"Just because he's prettier than you doesn't mea---"

Hanson gasped. "Lies!!!"

The pair decided to ask some of the servants if they'd seen Sex--er, Stefan, anywhere. But none of the maids had (giggle) seen him since (giggle) last night. (Giggle.) The butlers were also of no help, same with the cooks, chimney sweeps, and dove keepers.

"Well that guy was awkward." Hanson commented.

"Yeah," Hoffs agreed. "Why do they even have doves?"

"Something about ritual sacrifices."

"Ah."

Hanson and Hoffs turned to see some of their fellow stable hands running around by the haystacks, looking a bit frantic.

"I wonder what's up with them?"

"We should go ask."

As the two walked closer to the stables, Julian was bouncing like a lunatic, exclaiming that he was "Bunnyman" and that they should all "bow to his awesome fuzziness".

"He getz kinder crazy when bad stuffs happens," Fernando explained, coming up to them. "We saw'd sumthun bad just few bits ago..."

"What kind of sumthun... wow, I just said 'sumthun'." Hoffs grasped Hanson's shoulder. "We really need to get this case over with. Soon."

"What'cha mean, you wantz to leaved us toos?!" Fernando began to cry.

"What do you mean, 'toos'?" Hanson asked.

"His higherness! He lefted today in one of them chariots! Acturlly, he was more throwed in one of them chariots."

The cops exchanged glances. "Kidnapped?!"

Julian screamed.

"We have to go rescue him!" Hoffs exclaimed. "He could be killed!"

"Oh, no. Whatever would we do without him." Hanson crossed his arms and pouted.

"How does you knows where he be?" Fernando scratched his head.

"We have a hunch."

* * *

"Fernando said there was a chariot left... aha!" Hoffs said from the back of the stable. "I wonder where the ignition is...AAHH!"

Loud crashing noises, followed by another scream, and a strangely loud "click" was heard just before...

_Mmmbop! Ba du ba dop! Ba du bop, ba du ba dop_!

"What is that?!" Hanson began yelling over the music. "Are you alright?!"

"Ooh, I love this song!"

Hanson practically flew over the hay stacks and feed containers to reach Hoffs and the chariot. When he did, he found himself staring down at his partner, clearly stuck with her foot in the steering wheel. She was, however, jamming to the music that seemed to be blaring from the chariot.

"Hey," Hanson began slowly. "Isn't that the one band? That, uh... what is their name? Oh yeah! Hans--"

Hoffs kicked the stereo with her free leg. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Rrriiighttt."

"Come on," Hoffs pulled herself upright. "Lets get to Fredrick's castle."

* * *

The ballroom of Fredrick's castle, equipped with the latest in flammable-tile, was filled with frightened castle servants and royalty, including Rapunzel and her parents. Prince Sex-err, Stefan was tied up in the center of the room with Ugly Pants standing over him. This was the scene that our two cops came upon.

"JUUUUUMP!" Hanson exclaimed, throwing himself into the room. Hoffs sashayed in after him.

"Is that even necessary?" She said, rolling her eyes.

"Who are you?!" Ugly Pants asked, whirling on the intruders.

"Your worst nightmare," growled Hanson.

Everybody started laughing hysterically at Hanson.

"What? What's so funny?" a pouty Hanson asked.

"We're cops from the 1980's. We're here to put a stop to your shindigs!!!" Hoffs avoided Hanson's question.

"My what?"

"Your shindigs, ya know?" Hanson began. "Your evil plots, your maniacal schemes, your shennennenenenenenene--"

Hoffs swung her hand out and slapped Hanson across the face.

"...enenn--NANIGANS!" Hanson finished.

"Right. Okay." Ugly Pants answered sarcastically, turning back to his hostages. "You two idiots can go back to your villages. I'm sure you've been missed."

"What exactly are you referring to, Officer Hanson?" asked Stefan, ignoring the dismissal statement and peering around his hideous captor. His question was one on everybody's mind.

"The fact that Ugly Pants has been running a string of illegal operations," Hoffs answered for Hanson.

Fredrick turned abruptly to Ugly Pants, "You've been behind these crime sprees?!?!"

Ugly paused. "No?"

Suddenly the ballroom was filled with gasps and chatter. Hoffs sighed knowing the truth would take days to come out this way.

"Look," she began, "it's time the turth came out."

"The what?"

"The truth...that's what I said. It's time the truth came out. The first tidbit you need to know is about the rather odd scrapbook Rapunnzel found in Fredrick's library. It was pink and frilly."

Shaniqua turned to her husband, "You have a frilly pink scrapbook?"

"A scrapbook!?!?" Fredrick laughed nervously. "That's preposterous! Eh heh heh!!"

"And it was addressed to Wilhelm from Gothel. Which led us to be curious as to why it was in the other king's library. Furthermore, it was full of pictures of the two kings in their younger years. Gothel was included in these pictures, along with her rat, Otto."

"Yeah," interjected Hanson.

Ugly glared at Hanson, "Why is he even here?"

"Just for his looks," answered Stefan.

"Hanson and I then went on our stake out at the bonnet shop. That night the robbery occurred. We saw a rather hideous man with an equally hideous rat. A very familiar looking rat. Once Hanson and I realized we had seen the rat-slash-weasel from the scrapbook, we instantly went to Stefan, demanding to see the scrapbook again."

"Yeah you did!" muttered Stefan. "Three in the freakin' morning! Freakin' freakin' just do it at a different time."

"You could wear a shirt when you go to bed, you nasty," scoffed Hanson, out of nowhere.

"I WAS WEARING A SHIRT!!!" Sexy Pants proclaimed, "You just scared it off of me!"

"That does seem to be his typical response when he gets scared at night..." Rapunzel pondered.

"Boys!" Hoffs glared at the two pretty boys. "Enough! We're doing the 'reveal' right now, just like in Scooby Doo! You're supposed to stand back quietly until I say whodunit, then you say, 'Jinkies!'."

"But we already know who did it!"

"Shut up, Hanson!"

Ugly Pants was looking between the cops, the tied-up prince, and the other hostages in the ballroom with disgust. This was taking too long.

"ARRGGHH!" He roared. "Look, you don't know--"

"Anyway," Hoffs continued, cutting him off. Ugly Pants blinked, completely aghast at being interrupted. "The scrapbook confirmed what we'd already suspected, so Hanson and I paid a little visit to Gothel and Otto."

Rapunzel gasped.

"Yes. Gothel. But she refused to give us any information, so we found Otto in the kitchen. He told us—"

Hanson began jumping up and down, waving his arms wildly. "Ohh! Ooh! I wanna tell this part!"

The female cop sighed and crossed her arms. "Okay…"

Hanson smiled gleefully at Prince Stefan, who began to look worried. "So, like, Otto said that, like, he was working with Ugly Pants to, like, exact his revenge on the two kingdoms! You'll never guess why!"

All of the royals looked at each other.

"ENH! Times up! It's because Wilhelm and Fredrick had a gay love child, and he is totally standing RIGHT THERE!" Hanson pointed at Ugly Pants, who simply shrugged.

Rapunzel's mother fainted. Rapunzel made a disgusted face and said, "Eww."

Stefan was petrified.

Shaniqua turned to Fredrick, aghast, "So that's why you wanted to borrow my ballerina outfit?!"

"Uh, uhm, what outfit? What… what do you mean, my love?" Fredrick was turning between his wife, his son_s_, and Wilhelm, who looked equally flabbergasted.

"Is that all you can say?!" Shaniqua yelled in his face.

"That was, uh, that was a little spit there honey…" Fredrick wiped his cheek.

Ugly Pants, fed up with not getting a word in, suddenly yelled out, "THAT'S RIGHT! It's all true! BUT!" He extended his pointer finger, spinning in a circle slowly to face everyone in the room. "You don't know the whole story!"

"FIRST!! I was born in shame, both of my parents hated me. Hated me so much that they had to hide me away from the rest of the world. In a dungeon. With rats. Big fat ones."

"No!" interrupted Wilhelm, "I've always loved you, my son! My own flesh and blood!"

Everybody shivered.

"As I was saying, I was locked away from the world for years. Only on a diet of sardines and saltines. And Tang. I became bitter and decided I must form a plot to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! Not, really, just wanted to take revenge. AHAHAHA!!"

"Revenge for what?" Rapunzel wondered aloud.

"Oh, I'll tell you! Everyday, for the past twenty years, I've heard 'why can't he have his brothers face? It's such a shame he was born hideous. Did they drop him?'"

"Hey! Sex..err...Stefan was born twenty years ago!" exclaimed Hanson, "And he's your brother!"

"No shit Sherlock!"

"ONCE AGAIN!! I was hated. I needed revenge on my fathers, and what better way than to take away my beloved brother. And then take away all of my brothers riches and make his subjects hate him as much as I have been hated!! And then," Ugly Pants produced a shank, "I would take away his beauty, and we would truly look like brothers!!" Evil laughter ensued.

"NO!! NOT THE FACE!!!" shrieked Rapunzel.

Stefan twitched to life at this threat. With a sudden burst of adrenaline, he stood and burst out of his ropes. Revulsion was apparent on his face as he started backing away from his father. When he bumped into Ugly Pants, he whirled around and stared.

"Us?! Related?!" He ran a hand through his trademark golden locks, then paused, realizing Ugly Pants had the same hair. "Holy MacGyver, Batman! I can't believe, all these years! Father, I am appalled by your immoral behavior! And just because I get my nails done, that doesn't mean anything! Wait, maybe it does! Maybe I am of that persuasion?!" Stefan began backing up and continued to worry. "Maybe one day a gay love child of mine might show up!" With this he bumped into Ugly Pants, sending him over the railing of the balcony.

Ugly Pants plummeted to his death.

"Oops."

THE END!

**End A/N:** So…yeah. There's our story. The end. No more. Zilch. That's how it ends. That's all you get. Just kidding. There is a epilogue coming. It'll wrap this up. Perhaps…


	4. Epilouge

**Disclaimer**: We actually do own about 85% of this, you do realize?

**A/N**: Well, here we are at the epilogue. Despite what you may expect, we actually have a coherent ending for this. Yeah. We were a bit shocked, too.

(L)

center**Cops and Chariots**

****

By: dancesthroughlife & SunshineandDaisys

**Epilogue**/center

(L)

"So, let me get this straight," Jenko paused, eyebrows furrowed together as he surveyed Hanson and Hoffs. "You went back in time to fairy princess land, worked undercover as stable hands for a couple nights, got a lead and camped out in a hat--"

"--bonnet." Hanson corrected, sipping his instant coffee loudly. Ahh, modern technology.

"..._whatever_. So you camped out in a _bonnet_ shop, which was broken into by one ugly mug with blonde hair identical to our hapless Prince's? And he had a rat--"

"--weasel, actually." Hoffs smiled, big flashy earrings in place.

"Geez, guys, stop with the interrupting already! When did you pick up this habit?!"

The younger cops shrugged.

"Anyway," Jenko continued. "So you recognized the weasel from the prissy little scrapbook you'd seen earlier, and you broke into the Prince's room to confirm it? Then you went to see the _talking weasel_ to get the truth out of him? And he _told you_ that the ugly dude was related to the royal dude by blood because their father had been in a secret homosexual love affair with the royal dude's wife's father?!"

"Yup." Hanson slurped. "Gross."

Jenko stared for a moment before turning to Hoffs. "Are you for serious?!"

"Uh-huh," nodded Hoffs, earrings bobbing.

"And the ugly dude kidnapped the royal dude to get revenge on his fathers and brother. He was holding the entire family hostage in a flammable ballroom when you kids came to the rescue. Then the royal dude 'accidentally' pushed him over the balcony and the ugly dude fell to his untimely death??" Jenko finished, scratching his head.

Hanson giggle, "Oh, yes. _Accidentally_!"

"So....what happened to them?" questioned their captain.

"Oh, don't worry," assured Hoffs, "We left them with a professional."

**MEANWHILE**

"So," Dr. Phil folded his hands together, "When did you start having these feelings for Wilhelm?"

Fredrick bit his lower lip, either in thought or embarrassment, before answering. "Well, I think it all started the first day we met at Hogwarts."

Dr. Phil nodded his bald head. "Mmhmm. Go on."

"I was walking down the corridor when I first noticed him..."

FIN!

(L)

**A/N**: Yeah, so there it is. This is the end for reals this time. If you made it this far you should get a giant cookie. And bring us back one too while you're at it. Then, when you get the cookie, leave us a review.

Or just the review would be nice.


End file.
